Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Hot 'N Cold.

I feel like my life is like a revolving door. Always going and always changing. Revolving doors don't stop, new people come through them everyday without thinking twice about it. The people change constantly. Some of them only come through the door long enough to go back out while others go in and out the door everyday.
One thing that is super hard for me to deal with is change. When my life is going well I just want everything to stay that way. I don't like having to get used to new things. Very rarely do I see change as good. When I think of change is has a negative connotation. Which is wrong because its been proven to me that some change can be so rewarding and so worth it. But for some reason I have a really hard time handling change. And not just my own change but the people in my life changing.
I know it happens, and I've gone through plenty of change myself, but I just have a difficult time dealing with people close to me changing. Like when you meet someone and they are just so happy and funny and goofy and then a couple months later you realize you haven't heard them laugh in awhile. Or they just turn into a negative person or grow distant. There comes a point where I start to blame myself and think that maybe I'm the reason they are being like this. Maybe something I did or said hurt them or affected them. Or maybe my mere presence in their life is a negative one. I know thats over dramatic but honestly that is where my mind goes when someone I'm close to grows distant. I know life is hard sometimes, and I completely understand going through times of turmoil and difficulty. It is just depressing to me to see someone going through that.
I'm a fixer. I want to fix everything. Even things that aren't in my power, like taking something back or someone being sick. I hate having things out of my control. And when someone is sad or going through a hard personal time I don't know what to say or do to make it go away. And most of the time there is nothing that I could say or do to fix it. This is especially hard when its someone I care about deeply. I'm one of those people that wants everyone else to be happy even if I'm dying on the inside.
It's quite frustrating honestly and I really wish I could find a way to get over.